Saturday, March 21, 2009

A Day to Mourn

It's been 7 months now since Smitty died and for some reason I'm having a tough day.
The fact that we didn't really have any final words or good byes hangs over my head. The six weeks that we knew about the cancer flew by quickly with doctor and hospital visits and HOPE. The final week that he was home is a blur with Hospice, family, and friends helping out. I wonder now if I should have forced us to talk about the end but he wasn't really himself. I don't know, but it makes me sad.
I went to see Sylvia Browne talk last week. You all know that she's a well known psychic. Anyway, I'm wondering if I need to connect with my psychic who has moved to Florida. She is very good, in fact, suggested a year ago that I insist that Smitty have a physical. I blew her off which I now regret, although I don't think we could have prolonged his life.
I really don't mind being alone and I think I am taking care of the farm quite well. I miss having someone to run decisions by - is it time to put the pony down? how am I going to get the winter's worth of manure moved? should I have cement poured in the barn? how much should I enlarge the pastures? should I get that herd sire? Actually, this is a little funny because even though I would talk to him about the decisions, I always knew we would do what ever I wanted. I'm a total brat about getting my way.
Sometimes when I think about him being gone, I get this funny little, achy hiccup in my belly. It' hard to describe but it goes away quickly.
I haven't worried about money since the kids were in college, but living on Social Security and Teachers' Retirement makes me think twice about where to spend money. I'm very fortunate that the farm is paid for.
Being able to run things by the kids has helped but they are incredibly busy with their own lives so I don't like to bother them with the little stuff that happens. Nope, my friends get that laid out to them. Thanks Beth and Billie, Sharon and Kathy, Cary and Mary, and dear Marianne and Heather and Kathy. I so cherish my women friends. I really am the luckiest person in the world!
Well, I hope I haven't dragged you down. This has been very cathartic for me and I feel ready to get on with my day....
Oh, the picture - That's Smitty holding Celeste who has had a cria of her own, and Nikki, my oldest daughter holding my granddaughter.