Saturday, March 21, 2009

A Day to Mourn

It's been 7 months now since Smitty died and for some reason I'm having a tough day.
The fact that we didn't really have any final words or good byes hangs over my head. The six weeks that we knew about the cancer flew by quickly with doctor and hospital visits and HOPE. The final week that he was home is a blur with Hospice, family, and friends helping out. I wonder now if I should have forced us to talk about the end but he wasn't really himself. I don't know, but it makes me sad.
I went to see Sylvia Browne talk last week. You all know that she's a well known psychic. Anyway, I'm wondering if I need to connect with my psychic who has moved to Florida. She is very good, in fact, suggested a year ago that I insist that Smitty have a physical. I blew her off which I now regret, although I don't think we could have prolonged his life.
I really don't mind being alone and I think I am taking care of the farm quite well. I miss having someone to run decisions by - is it time to put the pony down? how am I going to get the winter's worth of manure moved? should I have cement poured in the barn? how much should I enlarge the pastures? should I get that herd sire? Actually, this is a little funny because even though I would talk to him about the decisions, I always knew we would do what ever I wanted. I'm a total brat about getting my way.
Sometimes when I think about him being gone, I get this funny little, achy hiccup in my belly. It' hard to describe but it goes away quickly.
I haven't worried about money since the kids were in college, but living on Social Security and Teachers' Retirement makes me think twice about where to spend money. I'm very fortunate that the farm is paid for.
Being able to run things by the kids has helped but they are incredibly busy with their own lives so I don't like to bother them with the little stuff that happens. Nope, my friends get that laid out to them. Thanks Beth and Billie, Sharon and Kathy, Cary and Mary, and dear Marianne and Heather and Kathy. I so cherish my women friends. I really am the luckiest person in the world!
Well, I hope I haven't dragged you down. This has been very cathartic for me and I feel ready to get on with my day....
Oh, the picture - That's Smitty holding Celeste who has had a cria of her own, and Nikki, my oldest daughter holding my granddaughter.


Anonymous said...

Maple, this was a thoughtful, touching post. There is no need to apologize; I think one of the lovely things about the fiber blogging community is that we can all be there for each other, even if only via a kind comment.

I'm sending thoughts your way today from Kalamazoo.

Mare said...

Morning Maple...Please don't worry about dragging anybody down. That's what blogs are for, to talk about your life! And anyone who has lived long enough has plenty of sorrow to spare. You DO have many friends to talk to...all of us! You are doing an amazing job all by yourself. I wonder if i could do as well. Take a deep breath of that fresh new Spring air. I'll be thinking of you today... love, mare

Marianne said...

I think it is so cool that your bestest friend is a Marianne too.

Smitty is with are his heaven so I would go ahead and ask him for help. He's probably the one who moved you away from that falling mountain of snow (twice). :) That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)

Love, Mimi

Zu said...

Blogs are for sharing, wether it be the ups or the downs. I'm so glad you have so many good friends to give you support. :-)

You are such a strong woman. I wanna grow up to be just like you! ;-)

I pray you continue to see the silver lining amongst the clouds. *hugs*

Mulchandmore said...

Sending hugs your way, you are a strong lady and will eventually be able to say your goodbyes in your own way, when the time is right for you. sharing your feelings can be healing too.

Cat said...

I am not dragged down; your post just makes me thoughtful too. Death does that to us, all of us. It's never easy, no matter how it happens or when. You'd wonder about yourself if you DIDN'T have that little hitch, little ache, deep inside. Mourning takes time and is a necessary part of the whole circle. And remember, Smitty knows how you feel; always did pretty much, right?

Margaret said...

Good to 'hear from you', Maple. Thanks for sharing. You have my ear, anytime, and those of your many other friends and admirers here. :) As I said, anytime...

Lucy said...

What a touching post. Hugs to you from Scotland!

Cary at Serenity Farms said...

There are "seasons", Maple, and I think this is one of them. Thank you for sharing your feelings, it really means a lot! Here is a cyber hug for you till we can share a real one ;D Love the photo, it is precious!

After I am over this cold....cough, cough ~ sneeze, sneeze ;(

Linda B. said...

That is a very moving post. I've wondered how you handle the farm alone. I hope it continues to be a joy to you.
Sharing your grief helps in the healing process. I think your friends out here will always be willing to listen and share. I know I'm weepy. A big warm hug to you.

Michele / akkasha said...

Anniversaries of dates tend to cause that sort of reflection. I think it is a good thing to remember those we love.

I know some years I still think about my dad around the anniversary of his passing. He died over 25 years ago. But I still wish I hadn't argued with him before I left the house. So I understand all too well about the challenges of not getting to say goodbye.

It is wonderful you have friends you can talk with about things. I know that can be good. Even if you have already made up your mind, it is often good to even just say something outloud.

Thanks for sharing.

DD#2 said...

I love you Mom.