End of Blog

I do believe that it's time to end my blogging phase. I haven't wanted to write for a few months now, and it looms in the back of my mind - thinking that I should. This has been an incredibly theraputic outlet for me, especially last year after Smitty died.

But....I'm putting some closure on that part of my life and leaving a few of my favorite pictures behind.

Dyeing Frenzy

This is Celeste in full fleece. Can you see how lovely her light fawn fiber is? Last spring she sheared over 7 pounds of 4 inch long fleece.

Celeste was the first alpaca born on our farm four years ago so she's pretty special, a little goofy and I didn't think she would really grow up. She had a lovely cria in the spring of 2008 and is pregnant again by my own herd sire, Polaris. I worried about her being a good mom 'cause she is so silly but she has taken excellent care of her little girl, Lyra.
Her fiber is awesome! At the alpaca shows, we have what is called a SPIN OFF where breeders send in 2 ounces of fiber to be spun by a judge. Celeste won, not only the best in her class, but also best over all at the show. It's long and not overly crimpy which makes it lovely to spin.

So this is what I have been doing↑ Dyeing like a mad woman! The teal and pink/blue are from Celeste's seconds. There is probably about 5 pounds of fiber here.
I think I know why I'm being rather compulsive about this. I can control it and am getting amazing results. The other part of my life has been chaotic.
Some of you may not know that my 89 year old mom came to live with me at the end of August. She was here a week and fell and has been in Rehab at the Alma hospital since. I have been really frightened about taking care of her because she was scheduled to come home today. Well, yesterday, with the help of the social worker at Rehab, we got her a room in a nursing home in St. Louis. I think Medicare will only cover her stay for 20 days, but I'm incredibly relieved that she is going to have a safe place with better skilled care than I can provide.

Rainbow Remembrance

I think this rainbow into the bean field from yesterday evening was a gift to help ease me through today. It was a year ago that Smitty died.

I find myself doing so much reflecting and remembering.....but it's good. I don't think so much of the last horrid, yucky month, but more of the good times. Sort of like the symbolic rainbow after the storm.
Smitty's energy and spirit is very strong and surrounds the kids and me every day (although they may not accept it). I didn't really understand before when the churchy folks would say things like "his spirit lives on", but I get it now. In fact, he has made his presence known to me by doing things like turning on and off the tv and electric fireplace. Not a bit spooky, but sort of amusing and comforting. He was always in control of the remotes ☺
The only times now that I have my heart hiccups is when I think of the kids and grandgirls missing him. That usually brings the tears on.

More to Eat, Less to Mow

I have been on a committment to cut down on mowing grass. This is my latest idea. Put temporary gates on the end of the drive to the shop/garage/tractor shed. This was always a real booger to mow but, you can see, the alpacas are doing a super job trimming it all up.

Today is another anniversary. A year ago Son Rob and I, with the help of Hospice, brought Smitty home from the hospital. I'm thinking a lot of that day. So glad that Rob was home from Scranton to help. Smitty called about 6 and asked if after chores, could I bring him home. He had had enough. Of course, said I. I called his doctor and by the time we got there, Gregg had taken care of all the necessary discharge stuff and hospice was waiting to help us.
Smitty had a good sized garden and because I don't really enjoy digging in the dirt, I planted wild flowers and grass where it was. Billie (across the street neighbor) has helped me try to stay ahead of the weeds. I did save some of the strawberry patch. Below is a shot from this morning of how it's coming along. Hopefully, some day it will take care of itself and be a little memorial to Smitty.

Chinella & John at the Fair

Here's John and Chinella after their costume class at the Alma Fair last Monday.

Posting here has been difficult for the last month and I'm not totally sure why. It is somehow related to Smitty's death (8/21/08), but I just don't understand how the upcoming anniversary is keeping me from blogging.
I am doing sort of a weird thing but it feels necessary..... Everyday I check my calendar from a year ago to see what was going on. A year ago Thursday we checked him back into the hospital for his last stay there and this coming Wednesday was when he came home - with Hospice's help.
All these little anniversarys are helpful to remind me of all that has changed and how grateful I am to my family, friends, and dear 4-leggeds.

Thank you, Kelly

Probably one of the hardest jobs in the lives of all of us animal lovers is to have to put down our dear friends. Our responsibility to them is to not let them suffer. Yesterday, Russ, our dear vet came out to help us say good by to Kelly.

These top two pictures were taken on Monday and if you look closely, you can see that she was blind and was losing weight. Her arthritis was very bad and sometimes if she laid down, I had to help her get up. This last week, she sometimes would get disoriented, especially when the wind was blowing. My guts and conferring with Beth told me it was time.
Beth (critter lover who comments here occasionally) owned Kelly before me and her nearly grown up kids learned to ride on her so Beth had lots of love invested in our dear little pony mare, and came to help say good bye.
Once again I am so grateful to friends and family who gather around in stressful times and offer their support. I'm so thankful to Matt who took time from his crazy, busy farm work to bring his back hoe over and bury Kelly in the woods, and to Russ, our dear vet, who gives supportive hugs.
I would like to tell you what a loving, kind pony Kelly was. She was gentle and even after going blind, trusted humans to help her out. Like this spring, when she was down and got caught under the bottom rail of her fence. Even though she was terrified at being trapped, she stayed still while I talked to her and knocked the boards out so that I could help her up.
She patiently helped many youngsters learn how to ride back in my riding instructor days. She even made it to a few horse shows. Below is a picture of my now 10 year old grand daughter taking first place in a lead line class at a local show.
So, Thank You, Kelly, for the lessons in patience, kindness, trust, and love that you have given to so many of us.

With love, there is also great loss and suffering....

Almost Nine Months

You know, I haven't mentioned lately how I've been doing..... For newcomers to my blog, my husband was diagnosed with colon/liver cancer last July and died in August. I'm 67 and live alone now, well, except for my dear 4 leggeds. Family and my incredibly awesome friends have helped so much to make this transistion to single woman easier.

My 2 dogs, 3 cats, 4 horses, and 16 alpacas are an excellent reason to get out of bed in the morning. I've never thought of being too depressed to get moving and frankly, before Smitty's death, there were a couple of mornings when it felt like too much effort and I had no good reason to face the world. I know that these animal friends are sending me good energy all the time - the cat and dogs in the house, - cats, horses, and alpacas in the barn.

Because of them I am quite physically active. Keeping the pooh picked up from these critters keeps me moving. Billie (my across the road neighbor) and I walk 2 miles every morning and ride our bikes a couple every evening - weather permitting.

Sometimes I do a reflection and think about what it was like a year ago when we didn't even know that Smitty was sick. Sometimes I get out his journals and take a look at what was "normal" for us.

Strangely enough, the only time now that I feel the overwhelming, oh, my gawd, he's gone feeling is when I'm alone in the car. Don't really know what that's about.....maybe it's a safe place to be sad.

This is Smitty with our first granddaughter and his Haflinger pony, Thor. He loved them both.

I regret that the kids and I never had a "so you're leaving" discussion with him.....

What has brought up these thoughts is that yesterday I spun for classes at a nearby elementary school and at lunch a woman said - Isn't it interesting that when a couple isn't close, the survivor does real well, but with really close couples, the survivor has a hard time because the two of them had become one. This really pissed me off at the time - and it still does. How absurd to make a comment like that...

A Day to Mourn

It's been 7 months now since Smitty died and for some reason I'm having a tough day.
The fact that we didn't really have any final words or good byes hangs over my head. The six weeks that we knew about the cancer flew by quickly with doctor and hospital visits and HOPE. The final week that he was home is a blur with Hospice, family, and friends helping out. I wonder now if I should have forced us to talk about the end but he wasn't really himself. I don't know, but it makes me sad.
I went to see Sylvia Browne talk last week. You all know that she's a well known psychic. Anyway, I'm wondering if I need to connect with my psychic who has moved to Florida. She is very good, in fact, suggested a year ago that I insist that Smitty have a physical. I blew her off which I now regret, although I don't think we could have prolonged his life.
I really don't mind being alone and I think I am taking care of the farm quite well. I miss having someone to run decisions by - is it time to put the pony down? how am I going to get the winter's worth of manure moved? should I have cement poured in the barn? how much should I enlarge the pastures? should I get that herd sire? Actually, this is a little funny because even though I would talk to him about the decisions, I always knew we would do what ever I wanted. I'm a total brat about getting my way.
Sometimes when I think about him being gone, I get this funny little, achy hiccup in my belly. It' hard to describe but it goes away quickly.
I haven't worried about money since the kids were in college, but living on Social Security and Teachers' Retirement makes me think twice about where to spend money. I'm very fortunate that the farm is paid for.
Being able to run things by the kids has helped but they are incredibly busy with their own lives so I don't like to bother them with the little stuff that happens. Nope, my friends get that laid out to them. Thanks Beth and Billie, Sharon and Kathy, Cary and Mary, and dear Marianne and Heather and Kathy. I so cherish my women friends. I really am the luckiest person in the world!
Well, I hope I haven't dragged you down. This has been very cathartic for me and I feel ready to get on with my day....
Oh, the picture - That's Smitty holding Celeste who has had a cria of her own, and Nikki, my oldest daughter holding my granddaughter.

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I haven't posted here in over a month because my world has pretty much turned upside down. On July 9, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer which had progressed to his liver. Six weeks were spent having colonoscopies, CTs, MRIs, transfusions, IVs, and hospital stays. Finally on August 13th, he called at 7 a.m. from the hospital and said that he had enough and just wanted to come home. I called Dr. Stefanek at his home and asked if he would discharge Smitty when he went in to do his morning rounds. By the time I got there at 9, Doc had made all the arrangements and had Hospice folks ready to help me out.
Smitty died on August 21st, a week and a day after he came home.
My son from Pennsylvania was here the whole time and he and I were bedside when Smitty passed over. One daughter, Terre, was living here. The other daughter, Nikki, lives over an hour away but managed to get home frequently. Hospice was incredible and I wonder how folks could ever handle the ordeal without them. Doctor Stefanek would drop in to comfort not only Smitty, but us. And my friend, Beth, was my stability and rock. In her nonintrusive way, she was alway here checking on me. Damn! Friends are Great!
The funeral was yesterday and I'm just starting to reflect on the kindness and love that has poured from friends and even folks that I hardly know. The church was packed, we have a mountain of cards, the freezer is stuffed with casseroles, my frig is jammed with meats, cheezes and salads.
We established a scholarship/memorial fund with the high school where he was principal and even though we haven't actually counted, it looks like a few thousand will be given to a deserving student.
I hope that this post hasn't been depressing or morbid. Life is Good and death is a natural part of it. Although at moments I have periods of overwhelming sadness, I am ready to resume my place in this world with my family, animals, and friends.